Jewelry

We don't want to belabor the point, so we're going to keep this short: beard jewelry is a complete non-starter.

It's been just over two years since our culture hit peak beard, the saturation point at which every guy started embracing his inner viking and letting his facial follicles flow free. And that's been very good news for the makers of men's grooming products. After all, these guys want want men to hold onto their scruff, treat it well, and...adorn it with tiny jewels? At least that 's what the latest entrant into this ever-growing market wants to do. The company, called Krato Milano, makes baubles for your chin hair.

The proposition is simple: Krato attaches triangular springs to the backs of little metal shapes—like a skull, an anchor, or other pirate fare—allowing wearers to twist them securely into place among their strands. They're light-catching conversation starters that, if the company's marketing video is to be believed, only enhances the appeal of your scruff.

But Krato isn't the only purveyor of beard jewelry (who knew?), which indicates that there are more guys out there blinging out their beards than you might expect. But while it's one thing to decorate your mug for the 'Gram, it's another to walk around all day with little bits of gold stuck between your hair. Krato's designs are small enough to be mistaken for forgotten morsels of food at a distance, but the general effect makes wearers look like half-assed versions of Captain Jack Sparrow.

In an era when the grooming pendulum is swinging back in favor of being clean shaven (despite the protestations of insecure bar owners, that's actually what's happening), having a beard is enough of a statement in its own right. If you have a beard, it's better to save your money for deep conditioning treatments that'll actually help your look than to waste it on glorified sequins.